Like, do you ever get the feeling that your constantly being compared to someone else, like someone better than you. Like people want you to be someone else, like your not good enough. It sucks.
And...
It also hurts, like real bad.
I kinda feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, my parents always seem to kind of ignore me when my cousins are around, and they are all GIRLS !!!
Like. I'm not smart enough or pretty enough or just fucking... SOMEONE ELSE !
Martyn is here, he is lying on my bed watching Knocked Up. Martyn like me, i don't know why.
He could be with anyone else, yet he chooses to be with me, i don't know what he sees in me, AT ALL. It scares me sometimes that i can't appreciate myself, like at all.
Is there something wrong with me ?
Do i have some sort of mental block ?!?!?!
I'm so fed up of people telling me what to do or what not to do. I hate people, being around people, breathing near people, people breathing near me, people looking at me, people talking to me, people staring at me, talking to people on the phone, waving at people, people waving at me.
I can't get over this, it is yes ruining my life, but that's okay. My dream of being a Technician or sound engineer is going out the window because to be able to do that i have to deal with people, and i can't deal with people. My life plan is basically going down the drain.
I should care but some days i just don't, that worries me, because this is all i want, i want this so bad. I live and breathe music.
I think I'm starting to have some serious feelings for Marty, that scares me as well, lots of things scare me that shouldn't.
I feel suicidal, it's not fun. I have this thing where i can't allow myself to get to happy, cause if i do, i have to punish myself.
I feel so ugly. Like so unwanted. I have like this thing where my councillor thinks iv'e lost all of my self confidence. I think she might be right. I have nothing to write about apart from how sucky my life is right now. Yes i know that there are people out there who are worse off than me, i know.
But
I DON'T CARE!